The lady on the help-line

I Mary started social work when she was 24.

by Laura Goddard

Mary, 81, has spent her life simply just listening.

In the white 1950s house in Meudon, near Paris, Mary (who wish to keep her last name private) takes a seat in her living room. Wearing a matching bright blue skirt and top, her British style is recognisable from miles away. Her bright blue eyes look at you lovingly, not revealing the tough, driven woman behind them. Wearing a delicate smile, the message she sends across is the one of a kind and charitable persona.

Living in France for over fifty years, her British accent is still strongly recognisable. Her love for others has not faded away and not failed to help both men and women in a position that she likes to call "sadness".

Between France and England, Mary has been a social worker for longer than most. The British mother of four, and grandmother of three, is one of the best listeners you will come upon. Talking about her work as an "activity" shows a deep and powerful understanding in helping others. She takes it as her personal mission to help so much so that she received the Most Excellent Order of The British Empire for her exemplary work.

Mary was “the longest worker for the British help landline in France,” an organisation similar to the Samaritans; she refuses to name it to respect the privacy of callers. "It is there for someone to listen, over the telephone, to people who wish to speak about difficulties, pain, anger, with someone who doesn't know who they are,” she explains.

Never mentioning mental health is her key to understanding others - and not knowing who the caller is talking to allows them to speak quite frankly. This particularly applies to listeners talking to a man. The stigma behind men dealing with mental health is still an important topic. “I have spoken to many male callers over the years,” Mary says. "A lot of them were associated with sexual difficulties. However, some of them were calling because they were in great depression and simply wanted to talk to someone. Men on the whole don’t talk so much about their difficulties," she says.

Mary has dealt with males who were feeling sad and angry, but who as well revolted towards the whole society for not giving them the comfort that they wished for. Women talk more easily and deeply about their issues. According to Mary, this is due to social settings.

"Women are doing chit chat in the background and that might be very comforting to them. Men may be having jokes about football but probably not so much coming out with their feelings, unless on a laughing basis," she says.

Mary has often come home after a listening session with a feeling of melancholy upon hearing the depression expressed by certain callers. Yet, she still feels her time is worth giving to others. Unlike other charities or organisations, Mary is not there to directly provide callers with help. As simple as it may seem, having the ability to listen to someone’s despair without judgement and without giving them advice, is a real therapy. Mary's whole purpose is simply to give the callers the feeling that someone does care for them and they are not alone.

“Some people have a sudden need to speak to a stranger that they don’t know anything about,” she says, "and other callers will be part of a discussion for a much longer time."

| Mary in her garden, summer 2017.

The aspect of anonymity provides the caller with a sense of safeguard. The helper does not know who the caller is, or what they look like. Mary feels like she can be helpful by being caring without having an active role beyond that.

The human voice can help somebody who is in great distress, and the value of it is priceless. Mary thinks that a face-to-face conversation or a letter does not have the same power as voices. In social work it is a different misery portrayed than the one on the telephone landline, concentrating on a “shaky” voice, as she calls it. "It is very personal although you're not seeing the person," she says. For this reason, she will soon be a part of the organisation again. She cannot wait to help more people.

Whenever the matter of her receiving the British order of chivalry comes up, Mary still feels very embarrassed and her voice starts to quiver. She is determined to talk about it as little as possible. Even though she is aware of the reason why she was given it, her opinion on her own worth is a completely different one; although she is confident that she is a very good listener. In her mind, she never wished to receive anything in return for her volunteering work.

Mary finds it very therapeutic in speaking to someone with issues. "Nothing has the same value as a human voice," she says. "Nobody thinks there is a cure except the cure of there being a voice which cares, that voice may not actually understand, but is there to give that space."

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